Blog of Feminist Activism

The feminist activism of charliegrrl and co

Rebecca’s Story: Anti-Porn

Posted by charliegrrl on March 13, 2007

A few months back, Rebecca wrote this about her experience of the sex industry. She has written another powerful piece about her experience of porn and how porn was used to abuse her.

*Warning* This story describes scenarios of sexual abuse, and will be triggering for some people.

Anti-Porn

Images hurt, words wound. This repeats in my head, as I see my past. Now, I have changed my life, now, I can grieve my stolen youth. I write to show how porn poisons too many lives. There was a time that I was innocent.
Then I believed in hope. But then, porn was brought into my life. Now, I find it hard to remember those happy times. I know I had some happiness – for why else would I bother to stay alive.
Then my stepdad entered my life. This was the first time that I felt fear of an adult. In his look, I felt invisible. Or maybe, I felt too visible. I was six. I felt his eyes going up and down my body. I was his object. I knew he wanted me, I just didn’t know what that meant.


He brought with him images and words which would murder my innocence. He taught me to forget that I was a child. I saw and heard stuff that made me want to die. All I saw was pain. But I was told that it was nothing.
But it entered my nightmares. I saw women with dead eyes waiting – waiting, for a pain that they would not imagine. I imagined that it was me. I knew that one day, my stepdad would do to me all that I saw in the pictures. This became clearer as I saw children with dead eyes.
So, I choose not to see. I stopped dreaming. I closed down my imagination. Porn destroyed my ability to dream. Even now, I have a fear of relaxing in case of I fall into images of hard-core porn.

My stepdad brought home “Hustler”. It was full of hate. But always it was a joke. Many of the jokes were about raping your daughter. I pretended that I did not care. Only I froze inside. Many of the photos connected violent death with sex. I was shown police photos of sexual murders. This was meant to be fun.
I told it was fine to have sex with children, what was wrong was that society would not accept it. I was told that I did not say no, then it was ok. I did speak, for I could not remember what to say.
When my stepdad did abuse me, it was nothing like the pictures or words that I had seen. He was too clever. He wished to abuse me for a long time, so he started slowly. He was gentle. He knew I was going nowhere.
He begun by rubbing me, often it felt like an accident. Only he’d focus round my knickers. When I was in bed, he would arrive. There, he touched me all over. It did not hurt much. It was nothing like I had imagined. After all, I was not murdered.
Only, later when alone, it did hurt. My bum screamed, cried with outrage. I did not move. I wanted to be sick. I could not cry, even I had such a bad headache.
I found my bed was wet.
No, I had been brainwashed by porn, so I believed my pain did not matter.
As my stepdad’s abuse grew worse and worse, I learnt not to feel. In the last years, I was in his bed, as he used me as he wished. I laid as a silent stature. I had forgotten that I was still alive. I had become nothing. All I was, was holes for him to play with.

In my self-hatred and wish to feel, I went towards other violent men. All I knew, was to have sex it must be violent. I thought I was in control, only I had so little idea what would happen. I was used as a rubbish tip for all their hatred of women. I was abused in all the ways that imagined, and in many ways that I could not believe. My body was now a war-zone.
I have no idea how I remain alive. Several times, the men tried to kill me. Often, I would attempt suicide. Mostly, I was careless of my own safety. I tried to stop eating, tried to never sleep and became a drunk. Somehow, I remain alive.
I was learning to hate. A slow seed was growing. I was getting some self-respect. Slowly, I was remembering my pride.
Gradually, with detachment, I saw all their actions were a carbon-copy of the images I seen as a child. All I was, was their real life porn game.
Like a porn magazine, they could throw me away when used.

This piece was written to shown that hard-core is not harm free. I tell my story as an example of an event that is common with too many girls and women.
As I write I remember the dead eyes of my nightmares.

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11 Responses to “Rebecca’s Story: Anti-Porn”

  1. Thank you for this Rebecca.

  2. Linda said

    Thank you Rebecca. I hope anyone who reads this realises the harm porn does. I know that a lot of porn users read this site, so I would like to think they feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves at the moment, but maybe that’s a foolish hope.

  3. Rachel H-G said

    Thankyou Rebecca, as always you’re very brave to share your feelings and experiences for the benefit of others.

  4. HelenIndomitable said

    She writes so beautifully. Do you know that on one anti-fem blog that seems to have a particular jones for this one, they are using that as a reason to doubt her existence? Hang your heads, pornographites.

  5. Linda said

    Well Helen, that’s easier than facing up to the truth about their sordid selves, let’s face it.

  6. Just wanted to add my thanks too Rebecca for having the courage to write the truth. Rebecca you more than I, know how denial operates and already porners are using your words against you. Denial is the only option when faced with the truth. Continue speaking the truth and shaming those porners who have to keep denying pornography harms women, girls and boys, otherwise their delusions will be totally shattered.

  7. “She writes so beautifully. Do you know that on one anti-fem blog that seems to have a particular jones for this one, they are using that as a reason to doubt her existence?”

    Yeah? – it’s called denial…and that isn’t a river in Egypt.

  8. Rebecca said

    Hello everyone. Just wanted to say thanks for insights into my writing. I find it quite ironic that pro-porners think that I don’t exist. This is because my experiences of violent sex, was that I treated as if I was a nobody. I was made to feel that there no harm, for I had no feelings. Although, I know that pro-porners will always claim that there is no connection between porn and violent sexual acts, I will continue to say my experiences. For, I feel that pro-porners are in a minority. Thanks again for all your support.

  9. Ziggy Luscious said

    Thank You Rebecca !

    Ziggy

  10. nicole said

    thank you so much for writing this.

    i am researching the effects of pornography and who it silences.

    it was only the other day i had found out my 2 cousins were practically sold to a peadophile beacause my aunty and uncle needed the money.

    your experience with molestation brought tears to my eyes and i am so glad you are spreading your story and how pornography has the power to destroy all it comes into contact with.

    thank you again for sharing your experience although it was a traumatic one you have given so many strength.
    xx

  11. Jessica said

    Such a powerful piece, I hope you’re ok and living well no-one should have to go through what you experienced.

    Your story I will forward as a bulletin on myspace to share the pain pornography causes.
    Thank you for sharing and may you live a happy and fullfilling life.

    Jessica.

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